I had one of those days today, so I was in serious need of a laugh tonight. I found these online tonight. I hope they give you a good laugh too.
Sometimes the spelling, grammar, arrangement or typing of words in church bulletins produces some unintended yet humorous readings. The following are authentic announcements gleaned from actual church bulletins. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins:
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
Remember in prayer the many that are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again", giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."
Thursday at 5:00PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his study.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 pm. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 pm - prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 pm there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
When parking on the north side of the church, please remember to park on an angel.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Jones to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
It's Drug Awareness Week: Get involved in drugs before your children do.
The lady at the Bible Study was tearful and crying constantly. She also appeared to be depressed.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the Church. Children will be Baptized at both ends.
Illiterate? Write to the church office for help.
At the Ladies Liturgy Society this Thursday, Mrs. Smith will sing “Put Me In My Little Bed” accompanied by the pastor.
Janet Smith has volunteered to strip and refinish the communion table in the sanctuary.
The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
The sermon this morning: WOMEN IN THE CHURCH
The closing song: RISE UP, O MEN OF GOD
The sermon this morning: GOSSIP ... THE SPEAKING OF EVIL
The closing song: I LOVE TO TELL THE STORY
The sermon this morning: CONTEMPORARY ISSUES #3 ... EUTHANASIA
The closing song: TAKE MY LIFE