Bad, bad blogger!!

That is me scolding myself for being so awful about updating my blog :)! Oh my, has it really been that long? With working on the cookbook, homeschooling, and all of Evie's activities, I haven't been on here a whole lot! I'll try not to make this a 50 page blog post. lol.

Evie loves to grab my camera and take random pictures. Sometimes, the pictures are so flattering....like this one....p.s. please note the sarcasm....

This one is actually quite flattering of Sierra though :).

In cookbook news, the cookbook is almost finished! It has taken me longer because I have had to make every recipe! I am one who just throws in ingredients, so I had to measure everything out. So far I have done 83 recipes. I may end up making 90 instead of 100, just so I can get it done faster.

On a hair related note, I found a new way to do curls that I love. They are more like braid waves, but with curls at the end. I got the idea from Rapunzel's Resource blog. Love her blog!! I need to post the link to her blog in my favorites. The curls/waves come from using bandanas. The length really gets shortened by the curls, but I love the look! This is what it looks like before.....

And this is after.....

Evie just finished up her first year of Bible quizzing. It goes for 6 months, and is off for 6 months. It was amazing to see these kids quote the Bible. Her age group memorized  90 verses, along with detailed questions about other verses. They just had their last quiz meet, and they did great! I'm so proud of the kids!

In baby news, we had an amazing thing happen a few weeks ago. I was really struggling with the financial aspect of the adoption. We were hitting a brick wall with the finances, and I started wondering if this was really what God wanted for us. I asked Jeff if he thought we should throw out a fleece. For those of you who don't know what that means, the expression "putting out a fleece" comes to us from the biblical story of Gideon. During a time of invasion by the armies of Midian, God called Gideon and the Israelites to fight the Midians. Before Gideon would commit himself to battle, however, he wanted to be sure that God was going to give Israel the victory. In Judges 6:36-40 Gideon asked God to make a fleece of wool wet with dew on one morning, then totally dry on the next morning. The fleece was to be the sign that God would definitely rescue Israel from the Midianites. God gave Gideon the sign that he asked for, and Gideon then went out and defeated the Midianites. Okay, that was your Bible lesson for today :). Anyways, I felt like I wanted to do a fleece. This is such a life-changing decision, and I wanted our family to know for sure that this was God's plan. Jeff asked me what I wanted to ask for. My words were, "Something huge, like a neon sign that I can't miss." About 2 weeks later, I decided to read the story of Gideon in the Bible, to see if God got angry when Gideon asked for a fleece. God didn't get angry at all, according to the Bible. I read this on a Friday. The following Monday, I started doing the Bible lesson for Evie's homeschool lesson. I hadn't even looked at it beforehand, so I had no clue what it was going to be about. Guess what it was about?? Gideon's fleece. Coincidence? No, I don't think so. The next day, I was having my devotional time, and I read one of my devotionals called The Daily Bread. It is a booklet that comes out every 3 months, and has set devotions for each day of the week. That day, I read the Bible lesson and story, and guess what it was about?????? Gideon's fleece!!! Then, 2 hours later, I get a phone call from Jeff. He said that his boss had called him and told him that they had placed his named several months ago on a list to get in on the profit sharing bonuses. They were so happy with his work, and all that he had done that they picked him from the list, even though there were many others on the list. His boss told him that they had cut him a check for the bonus. I gulped and asked Jeff, "How big of a check???" Jeff told me, "Five thousand dollars!!!" Then he said, "There's your fleece!" I was crying so hard that Evie thought something bad happened! Jeff has never gotten a bonus like that in all of his years of working, and the timing was just too crazy. The money got us to a point where we now only need about $6000, which is so much less overwhelming!! We feel so blessed that God made things so clear! We actually cleared out the room where the baby's room is supposed to be, and we are planning to paint it and get it ready!

So that is what has been happening for the past month or so. I hope you all are doing well!

New stratagies

I want to thank you all for your encouraging words. I owe some of you emails, and will do that soon. I apologize for my previous post. It really was a giant pity party to myself. Thankfully, I am over it now :). After a week of feeling extremely low, I realized I was being ridiculous. God doesn't want me to act like that. I need to trust Him. To explain our adoption situation, the adoption plans were put on hold because of finances, and because of Jeff's job situation. His company was bought out about 2 weeks ago, which could be either good or bad. It could put his job, and everyone elses at the company in jeopardy. He has been in this situation twice before. One company he worked for was bought out, and they got rid of most of the employees and started over. The other company that he worked for that was bought out ended up keeping the employees. We are praying hard that they keep all of the employees at his company. He is feeling an urgency to go back to school to finish his business degree, and get out of engineering completely. Sales jobs are a lot easier to find than engineering jobs. If he does go back to school, the money that we have saved so far for the adoption would need to go to that. That is why we aren't sure we will be able to do the adoption.

I have been brainstorming, trying to figure out ways I can help the situation. Jeff has always wanted me to write a book. That is actually what I am doing! I started it yesterday, and it is going to be a Kindle book. With a Kindle book, it can be read on any device, even a PC, as long as you download the free Kindle app. I am writing a gluten free/casein free/soy free cookbook. Then I plan on promoting it on autism websites where the diet is very popular. Kindle publishes for free as long as I set the price low (it will be $2.99). They take a percentage of the profits, and I get the rest. I have been cooking the gfcfsf way for a long time now, and have been daily tweaking regular recipes to make them gfcfsf. Because Evie and I have to eat this way, it has been a goal of mine to copycat recipes that taste great. So far, the book will have over 100 recipes. I am excited about that! I didn't realize I had come up with that many! If I can make enough money, it will help to pay for the adoption and Jeff's schooling too. That is my goal. I am going to be busy these next few months! My plan is to write at least 20 recipes a week in the book. I am going to have to make a lot of these recipes first, because I tend to just throw ingredients in without measuring. Jeff was happy to hear that I needed to make all the dessert recipes :). I am excited, and hopeful. It may be a long shot, but it may be a huge answer to prayer for us!

Changes

Sometimes I think writing can be really cathartic. Really healing. Being able to blog has been that way for me a lot of times. I actually love that most people I know personally don't read my blog. I hope that doesn't sound bad. It just helps me feel more free in what I write.

I'm feeling pretty shredded emotionally right now. Majorly defeated. It looks like we are not going to be able to do the adoption. Financially we are hitting a brick wall, and can't come up with the finances. I keep watching these old tv shows and movies, and these people who want children are given children. Given. They didn't have to pay $20,000 and have to endure being scrutinized to the point of insanity. I sure wish it was still that way. I have been going through every range of emotions. I feel guilt that Evie will not have any siblings. I feel sadness that we will only have one child. I feel frustration over my body, that it failed me. I hate the feeling of failure. I hate how people don't know things, and they make comments because they don't know. We always hear this from people when they see Evie: "Is she your only? Really?" I remember when we first moved to this area, and were living with my parents. Their church had Vacation Bible School, so we decided to take Evie to it. One of the workers came up to me later, and nastily asked, "Is she your only?" I said yes, and she proceeded to tell me how terrible I was for not having more children, and that if Evie had siblings she would be better at sharing. It was horrible. People don't know, so they make judgements. Jeff thinks I should just blurt out, "Well, she does have 7 siblings, but they all died". He said that would shut the people up. I haven't done that yet. I absolutely cringe when I get the "how many kids do you have" question. I bristle.

After trying to save and save for the adoption, and not getting anywhere, we started looking into embryo adoption. Embryo adoption is where we would adopt frozen embryos, and I would carry them like a normal pregnancy. I researched for weeks because the cost is a lot less than traditional adoption. The problem is that the success rate is only 26%. That is so low. After finding that out, Jeff and I talked about trying again. I started researching the genetic issue I was diagnosed with. It is called a Balanced Translocation (I'll call it BT to save typing). I called the genetic specialist we went to 11 years ago, and asked them to send me all the paperwork. Back when we got the diagnosis, not much was known about BT. Now there is a lot more information. I got my paperwork last week, and researched online all last week. I found that with the BT, most women on average lost 6-10 babies. Many times, a baby would implant and they would carry it, and it would be chromosomally unbalanced. After delivery, the baby would die shortly after birth. Some babies lived, and had severe problems. What got to me the most was reading about the babies that were "fine". I joined a BT board, and the women would excitedly tell about the babies that they finally were able to carry that lived and were healthy. Then they mentioned, almost like a side note, that their baby tested positive for the same BT they had. In other words, their kids were healthy, except that when they grow up and go to conceive, they (whether male of female) would have to endure the same horrible things that come with BT. Almost all the women who had healthy children said that their kids were BT carriers also. So besides all the horrors that could happen in a pregnancy with a BT, I would knowingly be risking putting my child through what I have gone through. That option flew out the window after I found that all out. Every time we turned to a different option, we have hit a wall.

Jeff was gone all last week on business. When he came home on Friday, we wanted to do something fun. We went to the mall, and went to a pet store. Evie played on the floor with the most adorable puppy ever, and I laughed and laughed. He was called a Havanese, and he was like a little bunny, hopping all around. The little guy brought me joy. Then Evie went on the bungie jumper at the mall. Have you all seen that? It is where they strap the kids into a harness, attached to all these bungie chords. Then they can jump on a trampoline and go about 30 feet into the air over and over again. Evie loves to do it. My little fearless child. She did about 20 flips. I couldn't watch. She had a blast. Afterwards, we went to a Japanese restaurant where they make your food in front of you. Jeff's company paid for it (they do that for the families after a long business trip). We sat at a table with total strangers, and the chef made the table light up in flames, and threw food at our plates. It was really fun, and the food was great. Afterwards, as we were leaving, everyone commented on how adorable and sweet Evie was (she was off looking at the Koi in the pond). People tell us that all the time. She is super outgoing, and well adjusted, despite not having siblings. That is a comfort to me. She said later that she had the "best day she has ever had". She says that a lot, so we must not be ruining her life by not having more kids. That comforts me too.

I am trying to come to terms with all of this. The hardest part is going to be telling everyone. The awkwardness of it all. We are going to give back the money that was donated, then that door will be closed. Amazingly, Evie is fine with all of it. I thought she would be heartbroken. She just wants a kitten. Her siblings will be furry and soft, and walk on 4 legs. I feel better just writing. Less heavy in the heart. I need to move on. I need to walk away from all this grief and sadness and loss that has enveloped me for all these years. Having more children is not going to be part of the picture for my life, and I need to be okay with that. I need to know that I am not a failure as a person. I need to know that having a child isn't what defines a person. I still have a lot to work through.

Gardening in the winter

We have been under the weather for the past several days with bad colds. I have spent lots of time on the couch feeling pretty yuck, so I have been planning my garden. Do you think it looks like it is about ready?

No? How about the back yard garden?

I know it is the middle of winter, and we have loads of snow, but I have been thinking about spring and gardening! I do love the snow, but look forward to spring too. I have had my seed catalog out.

I also got a few books for Christmas. I am really interested in trying to grow things upward, so that I can fit more garden in a smaller space. I am also really interested in preserving things with a root cellar. We had one when we lived in the country, but don't have one here. I didn't know much about them then. You can store things like apples, pumpkins, squash, potatoes, parsnips, carrots, turnips, cabbage, and other things all winter long in a root cellar without having to can or freeze them. I first started reading about it when I was reading Evie a "Little House on the Prairie" book. I was amazed at all they kept fresh through the winter! Also, we have been watching this show on Discovery channel called Alaska : The Last Frontier. LOVE that show! They showed the root cellar's of the familes on there, and talk about how they are able to have fresh food in the winter because of it. Jeff and I are looking into different ways to do a root cellar. The one book I bought has some great ideas.

Daisy has been making the rounds, laying on all of our laps since we have all been laying down so much! She is loving it. Right now as I type this, she is laying on the couch between my feet :).

I took this picture earlier this week, and was bummed that it was a little blurry. We have nicknamed Daisy many nicknames, and "acrobatic kitty" is one of them. See if you can figure out where her head is :). If you need a hint, look for white whiskers!

Snow, pets and sprouts

What a title, huh? Lol! We didn't have snow on Christmas, but got it about a week later! Sadly it is gone now, but we did have fun in the snow while it lasted!

Sierra is getting older, and hasn't been able to tolerate the cold as much. She does go out with us, and will play, but limps afterwards :(. I'm sad at the thought of her getting old. Sierra and Daisy have always gotten along really well. I wasn't sure if they would when we first got Daisy, but they love playing together. It has been sweet to see them play, and also love on each other. I did have to laugh at this picture though. Notice the ears coming out of the green blanket...

Evie had wrapped Daisy up in the blanket, and Daisy just laid there all comfy. Then Sierra came over and laid down, and put her head like that on Daisy. I thought it was both sweet and hilarious :).

I miss my garden in this winter weather. I have been really getting into sprouting for awhile now, which helps me be able to have something fresh to eat in the winter. I loooooove sprouts! Besides the fact that they are ultra inexpensive to make, they are healthy too. The bag in the middle of the jars that I bought was around $5.00. You only use 1 1/2 Tablespoons each time you sprout, and so the bag lasts a long time. Each jar will end up being filled to the top with sprouts after about 5 days of sprouting. I have 2 different sprouts soaking right now. I soak them for 8 hours on day one, then drain it off, and rinse them 2 times a day. I start out with this.....

And end up with this!

We use them in salads, sandwiches and wraps. It is like growing salad in a canning jar! It is great for the winter months when we don't have anything fresh from the garden. I do love winter though. I love the crisp air, and the beautiful snow. I do look forward to summer though :).

Christmas

I hope all of you had a very Merry Christmas! We had a very nice one, although it wasn't white this year. This was the first time I can remember where we didn't have snow.

For Christmas Eve, we went to my parents house. This is our usual tradition, and it is always special. It was sad that this year my sister and her husband couldn't be there. We missed them!

Here we are, getting ready to hear the Christmas story.

I love Evie's face in the background!

I love this picture of my Dad, about to read from the Bible.

After reading the Bible, we opened our gifts.

Then we ate a wonderful meal. My Mom always has the most gorgeous table decorations!

This picture of Evie cracks me up. She is very intently watching "A Charlie Brown Christmas" :).

This is another tradition we do. After Evie gets in bed on Christmas Eve, we read "Twas The Night Before Christmas". She doesn't believe in Santa anymore, but she still thinks it is fun to read the book.

Here are Jeff and I on Christmas Day! We are trying out a new camera to see if it works. We were bummed that the pictures we took that day weren't very clear.

Here's my sweet Evie girl on Christmas. She looked very Christmasy in her red sweater.

We had another wonderful meal with Jeff's parents after church, at our house. We ate first....

Then read the Christmas story from the Bible.

Then we opened our gifts.

Jeff and his Dad both matched on Christmas. I thought this was a great picture of them both (even if it is a little dark).

I hope you all had a blessed Christmas!!

Birthday, tree and goodies

It has been a busy last few weeks. Evie is doing much better, and got over the chickenpox pretty fast. The problem now is that she is covered with scars :(. She has at least 4 on her face, some on her chest, and some on her back and belly. I kept telling her not to scratch because she could scar, but she would dig at them at night. I'm trying some different scar remedies to see if I can get them to go away. Some of them are pretty good sized craters.

Our yearly tradition is to go cut a Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving. Because Evie was feeling so terrible, we waited a week before going to get one. The only time we could go was after Jeff got off of work. By the time we got there, they had closed the area where you could go cut your own tree, so we had to pick one from off the lot. We still got a nice tree. We were all bundled up because we thought we would be out in the cold for awhile. It only took us 5 minutes to find our tree! We took SiSi with us, but she couldn't get out and run around like normal. It still worked out though.

My sweet girl turned 10 years old on the 6th. She had 2 parties. One was with her friends, and it was on the Saturday before her birthday. The girls were all homeschooled, so the creative, energetic, and super imaginative juice was really flowing when they were here :). It was really fun!  Here is Evie at her first party...

The Sunday before Evie's birthday, she asked me to do her hair special. I put it in braids, and she slept on them. Her hair turned out so pretty!

Evie also lost a top tooth on the day of her birthday party with the girls. I wanted to show off how cute she looked :).

On the morning of Evie's birthday, she woke up early and asked if she could open up her presents from us. We said that would be fine, since Jeff still hadn't gone to work yet. She had fun playing with her toys all day.

We homeschooled on her birthday, but had a relaxed, fun day and played lots of games. She had to do some computer work, so Daisy kept her company. Don't you just love how Daisy is sitting, with her legs on the computer??

At night, both sets of grandparents came to celebrate Evie's birthday. We had a lot of fun! We ate some great food, had cake, then played a fun game called Apples To Apples Jr. We had never played it before, and it was really fun!

I have been going a little crazy with making stuff lately. I have been on this homemade beauty products kick. I had been using a deodorant that was labeled "natural", but I found out had a lot of really bad chemicals in it. I have read a lot about women and breast cancer, and many naturopaths and even some doctors believe that deodorant/anti-persperant can be a cause of breast cancer because of all the chemicals. I found a recipe online for making my own deodorant. I LOVE it! It does an amazing job, is super cheap to make, and is good for me! I made 2 different scents. Here they are...

I also made some homemade face cream. This is actually a recipe from my friend April's website. It can be used on your face and body. I really like it so far! On my face it can be a little oily, so I need to tweak the oils to figure out how to make it less oily for my face. I'm using it on Evie's face too, along with therapeutic grade essential oils, to get rid of the scarring.

Today I made a homemade toothpaste, from a recipe I found online. It has baking soda, glycerine, salt, xylitol, and essential oils. I like it. I have only used it today, but it makes my teeth feel really clean.

We are slowly trying to start accumulating baby things. We are borrowing a crib from a couple at church, so that was a huge blessing! I also bought some of these....

Okay, I know it is a bottle, but isn't it the cutest thing ever?? I decided I wanted to do glass bottles this time around. I have read so much about plastic leaching into the food, especially when heated. I wish I had known that when Evie was a baby! Next on the list to buy is cloth diapers. Yep, I'm doing cloth. We did cloth with Evie, and it was great. I know people think it is awful, but it is SO great. No having to worry about running out of diapers! You just wash and dry some. Plus there aren't chemicals, and you aren't filling up the landfill. Plus, there is nothing more adorable than seeing a baby in a cloth diaper :).

Sorry this post is so enormous! I told you we have been busy these past few weeks!!